Grace and I carry on lengthy iMessage conversations on the daily. She lives in Oregon, with her husband Drew, and cute little toddler, Emmy (who I share a birthday with!). She has been such a blessing to me, and is wise beyond her years. We often talk about fashion, and the roller-coaster ride called “Mommyhood.” Chatting with her, is partially what inspired this week’s of posts, so I am thrilled to share some of her thoughts about being a Stay-at-Home Mom, with you all. You can find her on Twitter {here}. She also blogs {here}. And! She is a co-founder of the fashion blog ‘The Broke Fashionistas,’ which you can read more about {here}.
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Q: What made you decide to be a Stay-at-home Mom, prior to having Emmy?
My husband, Drew, and I both decided before we were married, that I would be home with our kids. We felt it was really important to have them know that a parent was always there for them, and was super involved in their lives. My mom was a stellar stay-at-home mom, and I appreciate her now that I look back over my growing-up years. She always had dinner homemade, and we ate around the table growing up. Drew and I wanted that to be our kids’ “normalcy” as they grew up, too. We wanted to be able to speak into our kid’s lives in a way we wouldn’t get to if we were both working full-time. We weren’t planning to have children so soon after we got married, but we were blessed to be able to make it happen, financially and career-wise, for me to be home full time. Hubby has a great job, and that enables me to be home.
Q: Is the job what you expected? Why or why not?
No! Definitely much harder than I ever imagined, and also more rewarding. Before I had Emmy, I was really academic and driven, and it was easy to gauge “success”, in my mind. My worth was found much in achievements and my career. I graduated from one of the top nursing schools in the nation, and I was really good at my job. When I had Emmersyn, I imagined I would just seamlessly shift into this full-tilt mommy who did everything well. When I felt so burnt out in her first few months of life, I knew my attitude had to change. Now, I acknowledge that stuff just won’t be perfect. We won’t always look perfect, dress in matching colors, have a clean house, and do all the Pinterest projects I pin. It just is unrealistic. I gave up a promising career in nursing to be home, and I don’t want Emmersyn to think that I resent being home with her. I have my days, but I love being a stay-at-home mom. It’s incredibly hard. My days consist of errands and dishes and laundry, and it’s not very fun or glamorous most days. But the days when she wraps her arms around my neck and I hear her little voice saying “Uv Ooo (love you) Mama!”, really does make it worthwhile. Moreover, I see her learning and developing ahead of the curve, and I am thankful and proud of her. Being at home affords me the luxury of sharing my love of books with her, choosing when to introduce new educational concepts, and making sure she gets out and about and can see the world around her.
Q: How do you balance roles and responsibilities in your home?
I am incredibly blessed with a husband who is a hard worker, and a family guy. A lot of guys I have seen seem to have to have their “guys nights out” to function happily in their family. While my husband does enjoy spending time with friends, he is quick to make sure he is home for Emmy’s bedtime, and his job never comes before his family. I would say I do handle most of the household items (paying bills, shopping, errands), simply because he is at work during the day, and I am more able to handle these things. I do the majority of the cleaning and cooking, mostly because of the above reason, but he is quick to do the dishes or cooking without being asked, and he helps a ton on the weekends. He recognizes my need to have alone time and continue to do the things I did before we had Emmy, so what that looks like for us is: we hire a nanny one day a week or Emmy goes to her grandma’s house, so I can go for a run, or write or read alone. It is my time to recharge. I also have Saturday mornings to myself, to do whatever I need to do for work (I write for a magazine part time from home) or just to catch up. We are really happy in our roles, and I think that comes from communication. When I am burnt out, my husband can usually tell, or I speak up. A few hours alone every week keeps me able to happily do the things my family depends on me for.
Q: Is there something that you’ve learned over the last year 1/2, that you want to share with other new mom’s who might be choosing to stay-at-home as well?
Definitely don’t think that needing some “recharge” time makes you a bad mom. I dealt with many comments from moms, early in my parenting, that told me that you “didnt need to have alone time”, and that it was a sacrifice you made when you had kids. I understand that my child comes way before my need to recharge, and it’s a daily sacrifice of my comfort, but I also have seen that my parenting is better and less frazzled when I have just a few hours a week to catch up on bill paying, or reading my bible at a coffeeshop. I also think it’s really important that we, as women, teach our daughters how to be a whole person. I think motherhood has lost a lot of it’s holistic aspects in our culture. We are shamed into thinking that we need to give up everything about ourselves to be a good mom. I don’t believe that. I believe that when I am a whole, healthy, outward-focused (and Christ focused, for my own life), I am a better mom. I can better model the morals and characteristics I want my daughter to have. When I play the martyr, I am only telling my daughter that being a SAHM is a dreary, sad, “second-rate”choice. I want my strong, beautiful daughter to look back and see me as someone who had their own interests and hobbies, but whose main love and joy was her dad and her. All that to say, don’t let people’s opinions scare you into depression, or guilt. Get a babysitter. Get weekly help. Go on a date. Don’t feel guilty about needing the help, and gladly accept the help of others around you. The journey of motherhood was not meant to be one you trudge through alone, but rather, one you can face with joy and support.
I was an idiot. But, my child was such a bore. I felt like a mere caretaker who fed, burped and changed this baby. The kid didn’t smile, he was just needy. I remember my sister asking me, “what do you do all day with him, he can’t talk back to you.” I told her, “I just look at him and say, hello little guy.” It was hard. I was bored out of my mind and I didn’t hear “good job, or here’s a pay raise for your efforts.” It was so thankless. But, then…no kidding, after 3 months of this, my child smiled back at me. There was life behind the spit up, burps and poopy diapers. The first 3 months sucked royally, but after that, things got better. I tried juggling working at home and going into the office for an hour here and there, but I felt like I wasn’t doing my best in either place. I quit my job and although, I missed it, I decided I would make my home my job. I would work to excel in different areas, whether that be how well I could make my baseboards look sparkly brand new or what recipe I could master. I put my efforts into learning new things that I didn’t think I would ever do because I was previously never able to find the time. Along with my mothering duties, I took up sewing, crafting, decorating cupcakes, and spent more time on my photography. This did not happen over night, I have been working at being better at my home job for over 3 years and its still a work in progress, but I don’t look back. There have been days where I envy my husband for going to work and getting away from the chaos and “noise.” We have had the fun arguments of “you get to go to work and I have to stay home,” but those happen less and less. My husband and I are a team. He “has” to go to work so I “can” stay home. It is that simple. We don’t want other people to raise our children and we don’t want to live on nothing. We are truly blessed to where I can stay home.
