I know, I know, I said I wasn’t going to overload you all with news from the belly but I promised myself going into this that I would always be honest. So in an effort to do that, and provide myself with some much needed self talk, I’m posting about it.
I think there is a lot of hype surrounding pregnancy, some of it warranted, and some of it not. I want to be clear, I am completely happy about the arrival of Baby Krongard. It’s crazy to me that I have to say that first, but here I am, almost through my first trimester feeling like this whole shi-bang is completely different than what I had anticipated. Let me explain. The world likes to hype up pregnancy to be this wonderful, beautiful, skipping through the hills, doing belly dances in your living room, whispering sweet nothings to your uterus, completely amazing and phenomenal experience. Half of that is true. It is beautiful and wonderful that I am able to grow a human inside of me. It is amazing that a Bryant and Katie hybrid is currently growing fingernails inside my uterus. God created me to do this beautiful thing, and that I consider to be phenomenal. But, I am still a person and I still have things that I am interested in other than the baking process that is currently happening inside of me.
Yesterday, I spent a couple hours at the dog park with my friend John (the dog walker), and one of his old clients brought her little Yorkie into the park. She just had a baby, and was standing outside of the gate watching her dog play, while also rocking her baby back and forth. John LOVES to tell people that I am expecting, so he introduced us and then started to ask her questions that I think he thought maybe I wanted to ask, or that he thought a newly pregnant woman would want to ask another recently pregnant now first time mother. “Were you scared?” “No, not in the least bit” she said. John looks at me, and then turns back to her and says “Really? Not at all?” and she says “No, I really wasn’t. I never felt scared or nervous at all.” Then John says “This woman is like super Mom, she did it all natural, like some birthing crazy woman! Katie! Are you doing it all natural? Have you decided?” So here is where it got interesting. I was honest. I said “Honestly, I’ve thought about it, but I know myself really well, and I feel like if I can make myself more comfortable by having an epidural, instead of putting myself through something that I might call traumatic later, then thats what I’d like to do.” The woman looks at me with this sick, judge y face and says “Well its not about YOU, its about the BABY! In order to make yourself more comfortable you will sacrifice your child’s comfort?!” Ok lady. Thank you for THAT. I really appreciate that. John, obviously didn’t see this coming, and said “Well, I think the woman should do whatever is best for her, who am I to say what they should do with their body?”
So here is my deal. I completely understand that becoming a mother is an exciting thing. But, I have seen so many people who let it consume every single fiber of their being. It is all they talk about, all they think about, and all they read about. While I can understand their zeal to be the best mother that they can be, I always sit back and think “What the hell happened to you?” I don’t want to become uninteresting or lose friendships because all I can talk about is my baby and my pregnancy. I am still a person a part from this baby. I have things that I still love and things that I want to do, and none of that is changing just because I am pregnant. I will love my baby, and obviously will do everything I can do be a good Mom, but I do not want my child to think that once you become a parent, your entire life is about being a parent. Being a Mom isn’t going to be the definition of me. I am also a wife. I am also a friend. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a dreamer. Becoming a mother may be another role that I play, but as I walk through this pregnancy, I am holding on to the fact that I am still a person, and I still matter. This woman was completely crazy obviously, but it was a really good example of someone who 1) isn’t honest, because I bet you a million dollars she at some point was scared and 2) is one of those people who so badly wants everyone to think that she is the best Mom ever, that she puts down everyone else’s opinions and decisions if they differ from her own. She so badly wants to believe that she has done everything right and her choices were award winning choices, and anyone who doesn’t make the same choice is a failure. I admire her desire to be perfect, but the fact that she had to make me feel like I was messed up somehow and selfish was the part that made me want to punch her.
My point here. I do have one. I still exist. I appreciate people asking about the baby, and yes it is a major thing that is happening for Bryant and I, life changing, and yes, we will talk about it, but I have more to say, more to offer, more to contribute than just being a mother.