Julia is a mother of three, and somehow still finds time to sew…no seriously, she makes the most amazing skirts. But even more seriously, what I love most about Julia is her confidence and visible joy. Just this last week, her daughter Grace was home for a week and 1/2 from school with some crazy virus, yet she still was laughing and making jokes about how busy life can be. Her words speak to my soul, and I feel incredibly blessed to know her, and share some of her wisdom with you. You can follow Julia on Twitter {here}. She also blogs {here}.
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I’m tired. I have three kids, ages 7, 4, and almost 2. My oldest has been sick for days, my middle child just wrote on an upholstered chair in pen, and my youngest one is supposed to not drink any liquids but breastmilk because of some health issues we’re muddling through. It’s a lot, and it’s hard, and I admit I am tired. However, I am also sort of tired of hearing about how hard motherhood is.
Motherhood is a challenge, of course, and it’s good to be honest about that and to be there for other mothers who are struggling in the trenches. I think our cultural narrative on motherhood has swung too far in this direction, though, and maybe we are robbing ourselves of joy and peace and fun by focusing on how grueling or punishing the marathon of motherhood is.
A few years ago in my mothering journey, I found myself in a social circle where negative talk about parenting, children, family, etc. was the norm. I had recently moved across the country, from a place where my mama friends generally seemed to enjoy their kids to a place where the mothers in this social circle seemed deeply unhappy. Every playdate involved complaining and negativity about our babies and toddlers and husbands, and girls’-nights-out were even worse. I would come away so sad from spending time with these women; I eventually decided it was not a good fit for me and I started turning down invitations and withdrawing from that particular circle of women. I still don’t know if that was the right choice and I think I hurt some of those women in the way I withdrew, but it seemed so unhealthy to me. I craved community with women who saw the small miracles of these tiny people we lived with, who found joy in this season of life.
So what do we do? How do we choose joy but also remain authentic?
I think the first thing is to choose carefully how I think and talk about myself, my kids, and my husband. Words have power, and I can affect how I think about my kids, how my kids think about themselves, and my relationship with my husband through what I say to them and what I say to others about them. I highly value being honest and authentic, but I don’t think that is at odds with choosing to speak positively about my children and my husband. In fact, I suspect a casual pessimism would make it harder for me to really communicate when I am struggling deeply.
I think the next thing is to deliberately make choices that I will enjoy. One of the most amazing things about being a mom is that you can do it so many different ways. I have mama friends who are full-on extroverts; they fill up their days with social outings and people time and being out of the house. I have mama friends who are quiet, contemplative types; they do little crafts or science experiments with their kids and have lots of calm, unstructured time in their days. We can’t spend 100% of our time doing things that are a perfect fit for our personalities, of course, but we can cultivate contentment by recognizing who we are as individuals and making choices that fit with that. Maybe that even means working a little bit, or maybe a lot. Sometimes I wonder if those mothers I knew a few years ago actually wanted to still be in the professional world but felt like they couldn’t because of the particular social norms there.
Of course, I also think I have no idea what I’m doing most days, so I am the last one to set myself up with the answers. I may not have the answers, but I’m on a messy, beautiful, exhausting, miraculous journey with a set of amazing companions.
